We've now come to the last item on our list, number 10.
Don't tell us we look adopted.
Heck, what is an adoptee supposed to look like?
Did Michael Reagan look adopted? How about Babe Ruth? Or George Carver Washington? Charlie Chaplin? I could go on and on. The list is huge. Did all these as a group have a special look that called out "I'm adopted"? Don't think so.
So why do you think adoptees should look adopted, whatever that look might be? Until you can answer these questions, think before you speak. Adoptees will see you in a different light.
Has anyone ever said this to you? What was your response? Leave a comment.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2016
Monday, October 24, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Number 9
Don't tell us that if our birth mothers loved us, they wouldn't have given us away.
My birth mother was only seventeen and as a minor she had little to say over the matter. She isn't the only one. My mother loved me very much and I lived in her heart nearly forty-one years till we found the way back to each other. Most birth mothers never forget the child they gave away. They remember us on our birthdays, holidays, and day-to-day. Adoptees were loved and will always be loved by their biological mothers (birth fathers are a separate issue, I won't go into here), so remember they had other reasons for giving us up for adoption, and not loving us isn't one of them.
Thoughts, please.
Don't tell us that if our birth mothers loved us, they wouldn't have given us away.
My birth mother was only seventeen and as a minor she had little to say over the matter. She isn't the only one. My mother loved me very much and I lived in her heart nearly forty-one years till we found the way back to each other. Most birth mothers never forget the child they gave away. They remember us on our birthdays, holidays, and day-to-day. Adoptees were loved and will always be loved by their biological mothers (birth fathers are a separate issue, I won't go into here), so remember they had other reasons for giving us up for adoption, and not loving us isn't one of them.
Thoughts, please.
Monday, October 10, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Number 7
Don't lie to us about our birth mothers.
When we ask about them tell us what you know. If you don't know, say so but don't make up something that will reveal itself one day as a lie.
Even white lies are lies. We may be adopted, but we're not fragile and definitely not stupid. We can handle the truth, give it to us.
Were you lied to as children? What did it feel like when you discovered the truth? Leave a comment below.
Don't lie to us about our birth mothers.
When we ask about them tell us what you know. If you don't know, say so but don't make up something that will reveal itself one day as a lie.
Even white lies are lies. We may be adopted, but we're not fragile and definitely not stupid. We can handle the truth, give it to us.
Were you lied to as children? What did it feel like when you discovered the truth? Leave a comment below.
Wednesday, October 05, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Due to the high holy days this is posting today instead of Monday.
Number 6
Don't tell us we're angry, we know it.
Wouldn't you be if all your rights to your history and heritage are not in your hands but in the hands of others who think they know better?
Back in the '50s when I was adopted was it really "in the best interest of the child," or "in the best interest of the biological mother," who most likely was a teen, a child herself.
Yes, adoptees are an angry bunch and our anger fuels our energy to press on for opening the gates to our history filed for so long in our sealed records.
Are your records sealed? How would you feel if they were? You ask if we're angry, shouldn't we be?
Your thoughts, please.
Number 6
Don't tell us we're angry, we know it.
Wouldn't you be if all your rights to your history and heritage are not in your hands but in the hands of others who think they know better?
Back in the '50s when I was adopted was it really "in the best interest of the child," or "in the best interest of the biological mother," who most likely was a teen, a child herself.
Yes, adoptees are an angry bunch and our anger fuels our energy to press on for opening the gates to our history filed for so long in our sealed records.
Are your records sealed? How would you feel if they were? You ask if we're angry, shouldn't we be?
Your thoughts, please.
Monday, September 26, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Number 5
We're halfway through.
Don't tell us to be grateful to our parents.
Since when has wanting to know one's history and where one came from become a hindrance affecting gratefulness?
Are all genealogists adoptees? No. So why can they seek out their roots of past generations but when we do it, it's interpreted as being ungrateful?
We are grateful, in fact many times, very grateful but we also have and want the right to know who we really are, where we really came from. Our roots. Our heritage.
Here's something to think about - our DNA know it all - but we don't. Nice thought! So what's so harmful if we knew?
Thoughts on this please.
We're halfway through.
Don't tell us to be grateful to our parents.
Since when has wanting to know one's history and where one came from become a hindrance affecting gratefulness?
Are all genealogists adoptees? No. So why can they seek out their roots of past generations but when we do it, it's interpreted as being ungrateful?
We are grateful, in fact many times, very grateful but we also have and want the right to know who we really are, where we really came from. Our roots. Our heritage.
Here's something to think about - our DNA know it all - but we don't. Nice thought! So what's so harmful if we knew?
Thoughts on this please.
Monday, September 19, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Number 4
Don't give false information on our medical records.
First, this can be a dangerous practice, especially in an emergency situation.
Second, it is a great effort and time demanding task to clear one's record of false information, convincing the source we're telling the truth and have it all replaced with a big I DON'T KNOW.
How was your medical records handled as you were growing up? Did your adoptive family provide info that attained to their family or did they admit not knowing? Leave a comment below.
Don't give false information on our medical records.
First, this can be a dangerous practice, especially in an emergency situation.
Second, it is a great effort and time demanding task to clear one's record of false information, convincing the source we're telling the truth and have it all replaced with a big I DON'T KNOW.
How was your medical records handled as you were growing up? Did your adoptive family provide info that attained to their family or did they admit not knowing? Leave a comment below.
Monday, September 12, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Number 3
Not all grass is greener on the other side.
Our biological side might not have been ideal for raising a child but not all adoptive sides are ideal either. I was lucky as many others are. I had wonderful adoptive parents. My birth mother's life wasn't easy. But look at the cases reported of abuse by adoptive parents or murder by adopted children. Situations happen and it's not because we're adoptees. Genetic mental issues can lead an 'adoptee' to murder, but can anyone say that the same person with the same predisposition would not have done the same had he been raised by his biological family? I don't think so, unless you can claim to be some kind of prophet.
What are your thoughts on this? Leave a comment below.
Not all grass is greener on the other side.
Our biological side might not have been ideal for raising a child but not all adoptive sides are ideal either. I was lucky as many others are. I had wonderful adoptive parents. My birth mother's life wasn't easy. But look at the cases reported of abuse by adoptive parents or murder by adopted children. Situations happen and it's not because we're adoptees. Genetic mental issues can lead an 'adoptee' to murder, but can anyone say that the same person with the same predisposition would not have done the same had he been raised by his biological family? I don't think so, unless you can claim to be some kind of prophet.
What are your thoughts on this? Leave a comment below.
Monday, September 05, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
Back with the next one in our series.
2. Since adoption is no secret and when the adopted child grows up he or she will learn about the birds and the bees anyway, don't tell us, as children, that we were brought by the stork, or found in a cabbage patch, or even that we smiled at you so you knew we were yours.
As an adoptee and as a mother of three biological children I will say this once and only once - all babies smile, and they'll smile at any face they see. Our smile did not pick you, and in most cases you either chose us before ever seeing our smile or you met us when we were given to you to raise.
Were you told you were adopted? If yes, what was the story told to you? If no, how did you feel about that when you found out? Please comment below.
2. Since adoption is no secret and when the adopted child grows up he or she will learn about the birds and the bees anyway, don't tell us, as children, that we were brought by the stork, or found in a cabbage patch, or even that we smiled at you so you knew we were yours.
As an adoptee and as a mother of three biological children I will say this once and only once - all babies smile, and they'll smile at any face they see. Our smile did not pick you, and in most cases you either chose us before ever seeing our smile or you met us when we were given to you to raise.
Were you told you were adopted? If yes, what was the story told to you? If no, how did you feel about that when you found out? Please comment below.
Monday, August 29, 2016
10 Things Adoptees Want You to Know
As an adoptee myself, I read many things that other adoptees write. One of the aspects, in any pieces written by adoptees, that stands out is the cry for change in how the adopted child and/or adult adoptee is treated.
For the next ten weeks I will post one thing a week that many adoptees want you to know.
1. Adoption is not a secret.
Don't hold the truth about our origins from us. Tell it to us as appropriate for our age, but please don't make it a secret. If you, the adoptive parent, won't be the one to tell someone else will. We'd rather it be you.
What are your thoughts on this? Please comment below.
For the next ten weeks I will post one thing a week that many adoptees want you to know.
1. Adoption is not a secret.
Don't hold the truth about our origins from us. Tell it to us as appropriate for our age, but please don't make it a secret. If you, the adoptive parent, won't be the one to tell someone else will. We'd rather it be you.
What are your thoughts on this? Please comment below.
Thursday, November 01, 2012
New Web page: Bonded at Birth: An Adoptee Searches for Her Roots
Please visit my new page Bonded at Birth.
Come see what I've been busy working on. Follow this blog for more interesting posts related to adoption, genealogy and associated issues.
Please leave comments on what you like about the Web page, what you don't like, and what you'd like to see.
Also comment with answers to:
What kinds of posts would you like to see here?
Where would large groups of adoptees be found online? offline?
See ya soon,
Gloria Oren
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Secrets - No Place in a Family and Especially in Adoption
I know what it feels like to be growing up in a place where secrets abound. I also know what it feels like when lies, even little white lies, are used as cover-ups. I grew up as an only child. My adoptive parents didn't want to tell me I was adopted, and probably wouldn't have if not for our teenage neighbor's prank. I won't tell you what the prank was, for that you'll have to read my book when it is published in the future, only that the way I found out was unusual and I was four years old at the time. That is when my adoptive mother opened up a bit and consented that I was adopted and swore me to secrecy about it.
Years later I discovered that it was mostly a secret for me, other neighbors, family members and family friends all knew the truth. I also knew that I was led to believe that their first child before me, who died from Leukemia, before I was even born was theirs and became ill with cancer due to their being first cousins. This is not so. He too was adopted and I'm pretty sure that had he not taken ill, he too would not have been told.
For years I lived in a secret world without knowing it. My medical records were based on what I knew, and what I knew was based on my adoptive family. I now know that this can lead to serious consequences. Back then, I was a child and didn't know this.
So my point with writing this post is a call to adoptive parents everywhere - there is no place for secrets. Even the youngest child has the capacity to understand if you tell him or her at his level of understanding. When children question about where they came from, tell them they were adopted. It may end there, or it may be followed with a request for clarification. Please don't tell them that they smiled at you so you chose them. Most babies smile at people, it is a natural instinct. Tell them the truth, whatever that may be.
It took me 37 years to learn where I came from and to start being able to put the pieces together. It doesn't have to be that way. I couldn't have asked for better parents either way so why cause further issues by resorting to secrets?
I know what it feels like to be growing up in a place where secrets abound. I also know what it feels like when lies, even little white lies, are used as cover-ups. I grew up as an only child. My adoptive parents didn't want to tell me I was adopted, and probably wouldn't have if not for our teenage neighbor's prank. I won't tell you what the prank was, for that you'll have to read my book when it is published in the future, only that the way I found out was unusual and I was four years old at the time. That is when my adoptive mother opened up a bit and consented that I was adopted and swore me to secrecy about it.
Years later I discovered that it was mostly a secret for me, other neighbors, family members and family friends all knew the truth. I also knew that I was led to believe that their first child before me, who died from Leukemia, before I was even born was theirs and became ill with cancer due to their being first cousins. This is not so. He too was adopted and I'm pretty sure that had he not taken ill, he too would not have been told.
For years I lived in a secret world without knowing it. My medical records were based on what I knew, and what I knew was based on my adoptive family. I now know that this can lead to serious consequences. Back then, I was a child and didn't know this.
So my point with writing this post is a call to adoptive parents everywhere - there is no place for secrets. Even the youngest child has the capacity to understand if you tell him or her at his level of understanding. When children question about where they came from, tell them they were adopted. It may end there, or it may be followed with a request for clarification. Please don't tell them that they smiled at you so you chose them. Most babies smile at people, it is a natural instinct. Tell them the truth, whatever that may be.
It took me 37 years to learn where I came from and to start being able to put the pieces together. It doesn't have to be that way. I couldn't have asked for better parents either way so why cause further issues by resorting to secrets?
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Have you heard? U.S. to join the Hague Adoption Convention
November is turning out to be a month of positive steps in the right direction on the Adoption arena. Breaking news this morning from the Department of State announced that it will deposit the instrument of ratification on Dec. 12th and an official announcement of the Convention going into effect in the U.S. will take place April 1st.
What this means for children awaiting adoption around the world is protection against corrupt practices such as abduction, sale of or traffic of these children. It also means that the adoption triad members will be assured of accountability and ethical practices by those involved in the adoption practice.
November is turning out to be a month of positive steps in the right direction on the Adoption arena. Breaking news this morning from the Department of State announced that it will deposit the instrument of ratification on Dec. 12th and an official announcement of the Convention going into effect in the U.S. will take place April 1st.
What this means for children awaiting adoption around the world is protection against corrupt practices such as abduction, sale of or traffic of these children. It also means that the adoption triad members will be assured of accountability and ethical practices by those involved in the adoption practice.
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